Dead Tired

Not really feeling the holidays this year. I have shopping to do tomorrow and hopefully I won't have to venture out on Christmas Eve! I'm still just feeling confused about what is going on in my "love life." Don't know what to do. Should I just see how everything plays out or should I try to end it and move on living life and learning and exploring myself and my options? Just plenty confused and it's a tough situation. I hate walking away from love, but there are other people in the world that I can fall in love with and that can love me, right?

On the other hand, being stressed is good for my diet. I just don't eat much right now. I don't feel like it. So hopefully I will be down a couple more pounds since my last doctor's appointment when I go on the 28th.

Feeling pretty well beat down, though. Hopefully I can sleep tonight.

The Confusion Sets In

I hate being confused. I dislike not knowing what exactly I want and I hate knowing what I want and realizing I may not be able to have it. I love this new man in my life, but he has to make his own decisions on how he wants to live his life. Love is such a powerful emotion. It feels great, it helps intimacy and damn can it hurt. Being hurt by love is the worst feeling. Loving someone and being unsure whether or not they want to be with you is awful. No matter how great the love is, it still can turn sour quickly. There are so many things in life that I want to experience with him, but am now seeing that it may not happen. The thought of potentially being single does excite me somewhat. It opens opportunities to meet new people and potentially find the right person for me. Exploring love and sex is a heady thing. So confused!

Coming back...

It's time for me to come back and work on me. I'm making a lot of changes in my life and I need to keep on track. I've decided that I'm unhappy with the way my life has been. I've ended the long-term relationship with the father of my children and pursuing love with another person. If it works out, then great, but right now it's a tough situation. I've fallen for a man that has recently split up with the mother of his 2 children and she has not permitted him to see his girls in months. This has him upset and confused on what he should do. He doesn't know whether to just go back to her to have his children back in his life or to stay separated and pursue visitation. He still has feelings for her, but knows that people can't change over night and there are reasons for their separation. He and I have love for each other, but I want him to be happy in his life. If he decides to end the relationship with me, I know that I want to stay single and live my life for me and my kids. I want to explore life and what it has to offer me. I feel like I have made a mistake staying with the same man for 12 years. I have been unfaithful in the past and it isn't right. I have come to realize that I may not be the type of person to settle down with one person. Life and love are confusing to me. How is it that you can love more than one person? Or love one person, yet desire another? Maybe I will always be alone. Its a tough realization.

Working on myself this last year, I have become more aware of my appearance and how I want people to perceive me. I have become more open and social. I have succeeded in losing weight, but I still have a long journey to get where I want to be. I have lost 35lbs in the last few months, albeit partially due to stress, but it makes me feel good and I want to lose more. I've also decided to get a new tattoo on my back and am planning on stopping and talking to a tattoo artist tomorrow to try to set up time on Thursday. This will be a longer project to undertake. I want to work on a large piece on my back of thorns and thickets all in black and grey scale. I want it to take up most of my back from the top of my shoulders all the way down to my hips.

So it's time to set some short-term goals and some long-term goals. For short-term goals- I need to stay focused on my job and to quit letting my personal life interfere in my professional life. I have a good job that pays well and an awesome boss who is truly a caring person. Short term again- keep being concerned with my appearance. I need to maintain my routine for caring for my face and keep using the make-up that makes me feel good and appear better. I also need to continue eating healthier and staying on track with a better diet.

Long-term goals- start back and the gym and try to continue going!! If I can lose weight just by dieting I can lose more with exercise! I'd like to work on the 100 push-up and 100 sit-up program. Another long-term goal is to get my debt cleared off and buy a house. I want this goal to be a little quicker than a year more like 3-4 months from now.

That's all that's really on my mind right now, but I'm really going to try to keep blogging and keep myself on track.

Realization and Acceptance

I am realizing and accepting how I got to this point in my life. I like food. I like to eat out. I like to cook. I like to eat what I cook. I don't like to exercise. Why? Because I'm overweight and its hard. Its hard because I am overweight. I have been basically sedentary for years. I get winded walking. I get winded going up and down the stairs. Its time to change. My weight is putting unnecessary stress on my organs. Its going to destroy my health and my life unless I make major changes. Currently I am going to the gym everyday. My goal is to do 1 hr of cardio everyday. I will work on strength training soon, but haven't decided when I'm going to begin. I know I need to do it because muscle burns more calories than fat. It will come to me, when I feel I'm ready to start. So here's to getting to my first goal- hopefully I'll be there in the next 2 weeks! I am so excited!

Refresh My Memory- Vegetables Taste Good?

My journey into weight loss and a healthier me is steering into the little known facts that vegetables can taste good and be healthy. They don't have to be loaded in butter, salt and cheese. Fresh asparagus with some garlic powder, mushrooms and a sprinkle of parmesan really does taste good. Cauliflower disguised as fried rice? A great flavor. Sauteed zucchini and squash with grilled chicken in a tortilla- really yummy. What do these all have in common? They make a low calorie meal. Healthy and tasty. So in my refrigerator are: salad mix, cauliflower, zucchini, garlic, onion and asparagus. I still have more adventures awaiting me when it comes to cooking with vegetables, but I'm liking what I'm eating.


I weighed in today at 210lb. 11lbs to get to meet my first goal- below 200lbs.

Temptation Is the Name of the Game

Finally home from working a 10 hour day, driving in less than stellar conditions and what is there to welcome me? Freshly baked snickerdoodles. Really? I may have mentioned it before, but in case you missed it.... I AM ON A DIET! I know my man made them for the kids and himself, but damn! I have been doing seriously well on my diet for over a week. I haven't missed a day at the gym in that time, either. All right. Time to turn the other cheek. Walk away from the scrumptious-smelling cookies and begin to prepare dinner. Get dinner finished, eat, get myself and the kids ready to go to the gym. Walk past the tempting cookies again and again. Shoes on, hoodie on, and my 5 year-old sees the cookies. No time to waste! Must get out the door- NOW! Headed to the gym. This workout is 15 minutes shorter than usual due to a 45 minute swim class that ends 30 minutes before bedtime. Home at last, kids get a cookie and mom gets a Special K bar. I passed this test. Barely.

Exercise, Exercise, Exercise- the Punishment Starts

Wow, my stamina sucks. I mean really, really sucks. I haven't exercised for a long time. Hence part of my "fat problem." My goal is to go to the gym everyday. I haven't found a set routine for the equipment or anything yet, still finding out what I like the best. I like the elliptical stepper. I like the regular elliptical. I really like the stepper-bike thing. Its similar to a stationary bike, but your legs pump straight out and back one at a time, not around like other stationary bikes. I liked it because I could read and my legs could go and go and go. I used the resistance setting and kept pushing the resistance higher as time passed. When I was reading I wasn't watching the clock. That makes it go much faster then steady staring at the time and wishing the punishment was over. I know its not really punishment, but as out of shape as I am, it feels like punishment. In the long run it will all be worth it. I am also contemplating starting the 100 push-up program in the mornings since I primarily work out in the afternoons/evenings. I want to reach my first goal- get below 200lbs as soon as possible. I feel this will help me keep going. I have an ultimate goal, but if I break it into mini-goals I think I'll feel better about making it. I can do it. I just need to remember that it will take time for my body to adjust. Results won't be instantaneous, as much as I want them to be and thats the hardest part.