Sensitivity and Frustration

I am trying very hard to lose weight right now. A lot of effort, and time in my day is devoted to planning my food for the day, tracking the calories that I have consumed and exercising and trying to blog about my thoughts and experiences frequently. Obviously most people don't know this and the random stranger has no clue that I'm in the process of losing weight. I went to dinner with my man on Saturday night and the hostess at the restaurant asked if we would like the booth in the front of the dining area and I said that was fine. Then she looked at me and said "Oh maybe that's not a good idea with the baby." My first thought was that I hadn't brought any children with me and then I realized that she thought I was pregnant! I was so hurt and angry all at the same time! I looked at her and said as chilly as possible "I'm not pregnant, thanks." What I really wanted to ask her is if she offended all patrons the same way. I know I am overweight. I know I look disgusting to some people, hell I disgust myself at times, but damn can some people learn some manners? She didn't even have the good grace to apologize. I wanted to cry and I felt hurt for a little while, but I have just decided that she is a person that obviously doesn't have the correct people skills to even do the job that she is doing. 


I am frustrated that my hard work takes so long for anyone to notice. Because I am so overweight, my small victories are nonexistent to everyone else. I can lose 10lbs and no one would notice. A few people may notice if lose 20lbs and maybe a few more if I lose 30lbs. Until I can really show a difference then the only person celebrating the victories is me. I am the person that counts, but more support is always better! I am going to stop whining now and get something accomplished around the house!

The Hunger Begins with the Downfall of the American Appetite

Part of dieting is adjusting to a new lifestyle and trying to change bad habits. I have made poor decisions in my diet and am now trying to make changes. I have eaten so much food in my past that I have stretched my stomach. Now I am trying to teach my body what it should be eating and what amounts it should be eating and my body is not liking me very much. I still want to eat more and more. Not because I need to, but because I want to eat. I get bored, and I want to eat. I see food and I want to eat it. I smell food and I want to eat it. I drive-by the carnival collection of restaurants and I want to eat it- all of it! When I feel hungry, because my body thinks its hungry, and my mind knows it isn't, I try to drink water. For some reason I can't seem to get my mind and body on the same path to healthy eating. I know that small healthy meals with small healthy snacks are the way to go, but I just want to graze all day. And not just graze, but stuff myself full because it tastes good.

I have read that this hunger is part of the necessary change that I need to go through, but wow is it ever difficult. So to help me deal with the difficulty I have turned to the blog! I need to talk about it and get used to it until my body has adapted. I am also using a networking site to try to connect with other people going through the same challenges. I have a hard time actually interacting with others in my real life because I am overweight and I know that it has hindered my ability to be as outgoing as I could be. I need to have support and I would really like to have a gym buddy. Unfortunately I haven't found someone that has a membership to where I go and I really don't want to add another membership to a gym that’s farther away. So until I discover someone, I guess I'm solo at the gym! I really need my family to understand and that includes my fiancée. I want to look and feel better for myself and for him. He and my children deserve for me to be healthy and I can't continue to be overweight and stay healthy. I want for him and I to look great together. I don't want to think about people looking at us thinking "He's so good-looking! Why is he with a fat pig like her?" I know I shouldn't care what people think, but in turn they have a few things right. 

Being fat is awful. It restricts your life in so many ways. You get winded walking. You don't fit well in airplane seats. You can't ride certain roller coasters. There are so many more to list! Not to mention that overall, clothes are ugly. You can't find things that flatter or they are just hideous because you deserve ugly clothes when you are fat.

Americans have gotten a lot of things wrong. Part of the wrong is the nutritional and dietary education. Part is corporate problems. Large chains choke smaller markets where fresh and healthy food is sold. Don't get me wrong, you can buy decent food at these chains but many times it is surrounded by unhealthy alternatives that are cheaper to buy. Junk food is cheap. Junk is really what it is. Read the ingredients. Some things have so many ingredients I can't even pronounce, let alone know how they could impact my body. We have trained ourselves to go cheap, save money in this rough economy and eat things that negatively impact our health. Fast food chains are surviving and striving in this down-ridden economy. It is cheap, easy and fast. Most of it is not healthy. There are usually healthy options, but are somewhat obscure and overpowered by the Hollywood representation of larger than life burgers, burritos and fries. When we as adults eat this day in and day out and in turn feed our kids the same way, what are we teaching them? We are teaching them that this food is normal and all right to eat as a constant in our lives. Humans need constants in their lives. We are creatures of habit and many habits are not good for us. Habits are hard to break and even harder to completely banish. 

Enough rant for now, I am going to go enjoy the few hours before bed!

Beginning of the journey...

All my life I have wanted to be slim, lean, thin. Not just wanted, yearned and desired to be thin and slim and all the above! As I look back, I have never taken the time for habit-forming and making myself be dedicated to my own cause. It's time for a change. I turn 30 this year in May. I have 3 beautiful children and a loving man in my life. I want to be fit, slim and healthy for them and for myself. I hate being the fat mom at the gym. I hate being the fat mom at the school. I am embarrassed for myself and for my kids. The time to change is now, before its too late and my health is seriously affected. I weighed in today at 216lb. I started counting calories using an app on my Blackberry and have been going to the gym. No more soda and lots more water. I work as a supervisor in the fast food industry, so unhealthy options surround me and I have to use every ounce of willpower sometimes to avoid those and choose healthy. Here's to me, my willpower and the ability to change! Goal 1- get down below 200lbs!