Dead Tired

Not really feeling the holidays this year. I have shopping to do tomorrow and hopefully I won't have to venture out on Christmas Eve! I'm still just feeling confused about what is going on in my "love life." Don't know what to do. Should I just see how everything plays out or should I try to end it and move on living life and learning and exploring myself and my options? Just plenty confused and it's a tough situation. I hate walking away from love, but there are other people in the world that I can fall in love with and that can love me, right?

On the other hand, being stressed is good for my diet. I just don't eat much right now. I don't feel like it. So hopefully I will be down a couple more pounds since my last doctor's appointment when I go on the 28th.

Feeling pretty well beat down, though. Hopefully I can sleep tonight.

The Confusion Sets In

I hate being confused. I dislike not knowing what exactly I want and I hate knowing what I want and realizing I may not be able to have it. I love this new man in my life, but he has to make his own decisions on how he wants to live his life. Love is such a powerful emotion. It feels great, it helps intimacy and damn can it hurt. Being hurt by love is the worst feeling. Loving someone and being unsure whether or not they want to be with you is awful. No matter how great the love is, it still can turn sour quickly. There are so many things in life that I want to experience with him, but am now seeing that it may not happen. The thought of potentially being single does excite me somewhat. It opens opportunities to meet new people and potentially find the right person for me. Exploring love and sex is a heady thing. So confused!

Coming back...

It's time for me to come back and work on me. I'm making a lot of changes in my life and I need to keep on track. I've decided that I'm unhappy with the way my life has been. I've ended the long-term relationship with the father of my children and pursuing love with another person. If it works out, then great, but right now it's a tough situation. I've fallen for a man that has recently split up with the mother of his 2 children and she has not permitted him to see his girls in months. This has him upset and confused on what he should do. He doesn't know whether to just go back to her to have his children back in his life or to stay separated and pursue visitation. He still has feelings for her, but knows that people can't change over night and there are reasons for their separation. He and I have love for each other, but I want him to be happy in his life. If he decides to end the relationship with me, I know that I want to stay single and live my life for me and my kids. I want to explore life and what it has to offer me. I feel like I have made a mistake staying with the same man for 12 years. I have been unfaithful in the past and it isn't right. I have come to realize that I may not be the type of person to settle down with one person. Life and love are confusing to me. How is it that you can love more than one person? Or love one person, yet desire another? Maybe I will always be alone. Its a tough realization.

Working on myself this last year, I have become more aware of my appearance and how I want people to perceive me. I have become more open and social. I have succeeded in losing weight, but I still have a long journey to get where I want to be. I have lost 35lbs in the last few months, albeit partially due to stress, but it makes me feel good and I want to lose more. I've also decided to get a new tattoo on my back and am planning on stopping and talking to a tattoo artist tomorrow to try to set up time on Thursday. This will be a longer project to undertake. I want to work on a large piece on my back of thorns and thickets all in black and grey scale. I want it to take up most of my back from the top of my shoulders all the way down to my hips.

So it's time to set some short-term goals and some long-term goals. For short-term goals- I need to stay focused on my job and to quit letting my personal life interfere in my professional life. I have a good job that pays well and an awesome boss who is truly a caring person. Short term again- keep being concerned with my appearance. I need to maintain my routine for caring for my face and keep using the make-up that makes me feel good and appear better. I also need to continue eating healthier and staying on track with a better diet.

Long-term goals- start back and the gym and try to continue going!! If I can lose weight just by dieting I can lose more with exercise! I'd like to work on the 100 push-up and 100 sit-up program. Another long-term goal is to get my debt cleared off and buy a house. I want this goal to be a little quicker than a year more like 3-4 months from now.

That's all that's really on my mind right now, but I'm really going to try to keep blogging and keep myself on track.

Realization and Acceptance

I am realizing and accepting how I got to this point in my life. I like food. I like to eat out. I like to cook. I like to eat what I cook. I don't like to exercise. Why? Because I'm overweight and its hard. Its hard because I am overweight. I have been basically sedentary for years. I get winded walking. I get winded going up and down the stairs. Its time to change. My weight is putting unnecessary stress on my organs. Its going to destroy my health and my life unless I make major changes. Currently I am going to the gym everyday. My goal is to do 1 hr of cardio everyday. I will work on strength training soon, but haven't decided when I'm going to begin. I know I need to do it because muscle burns more calories than fat. It will come to me, when I feel I'm ready to start. So here's to getting to my first goal- hopefully I'll be there in the next 2 weeks! I am so excited!

Refresh My Memory- Vegetables Taste Good?

My journey into weight loss and a healthier me is steering into the little known facts that vegetables can taste good and be healthy. They don't have to be loaded in butter, salt and cheese. Fresh asparagus with some garlic powder, mushrooms and a sprinkle of parmesan really does taste good. Cauliflower disguised as fried rice? A great flavor. Sauteed zucchini and squash with grilled chicken in a tortilla- really yummy. What do these all have in common? They make a low calorie meal. Healthy and tasty. So in my refrigerator are: salad mix, cauliflower, zucchini, garlic, onion and asparagus. I still have more adventures awaiting me when it comes to cooking with vegetables, but I'm liking what I'm eating.


I weighed in today at 210lb. 11lbs to get to meet my first goal- below 200lbs.

Temptation Is the Name of the Game

Finally home from working a 10 hour day, driving in less than stellar conditions and what is there to welcome me? Freshly baked snickerdoodles. Really? I may have mentioned it before, but in case you missed it.... I AM ON A DIET! I know my man made them for the kids and himself, but damn! I have been doing seriously well on my diet for over a week. I haven't missed a day at the gym in that time, either. All right. Time to turn the other cheek. Walk away from the scrumptious-smelling cookies and begin to prepare dinner. Get dinner finished, eat, get myself and the kids ready to go to the gym. Walk past the tempting cookies again and again. Shoes on, hoodie on, and my 5 year-old sees the cookies. No time to waste! Must get out the door- NOW! Headed to the gym. This workout is 15 minutes shorter than usual due to a 45 minute swim class that ends 30 minutes before bedtime. Home at last, kids get a cookie and mom gets a Special K bar. I passed this test. Barely.

Exercise, Exercise, Exercise- the Punishment Starts

Wow, my stamina sucks. I mean really, really sucks. I haven't exercised for a long time. Hence part of my "fat problem." My goal is to go to the gym everyday. I haven't found a set routine for the equipment or anything yet, still finding out what I like the best. I like the elliptical stepper. I like the regular elliptical. I really like the stepper-bike thing. Its similar to a stationary bike, but your legs pump straight out and back one at a time, not around like other stationary bikes. I liked it because I could read and my legs could go and go and go. I used the resistance setting and kept pushing the resistance higher as time passed. When I was reading I wasn't watching the clock. That makes it go much faster then steady staring at the time and wishing the punishment was over. I know its not really punishment, but as out of shape as I am, it feels like punishment. In the long run it will all be worth it. I am also contemplating starting the 100 push-up program in the mornings since I primarily work out in the afternoons/evenings. I want to reach my first goal- get below 200lbs as soon as possible. I feel this will help me keep going. I have an ultimate goal, but if I break it into mini-goals I think I'll feel better about making it. I can do it. I just need to remember that it will take time for my body to adjust. Results won't be instantaneous, as much as I want them to be and thats the hardest part.

Sensitivity and Frustration

I am trying very hard to lose weight right now. A lot of effort, and time in my day is devoted to planning my food for the day, tracking the calories that I have consumed and exercising and trying to blog about my thoughts and experiences frequently. Obviously most people don't know this and the random stranger has no clue that I'm in the process of losing weight. I went to dinner with my man on Saturday night and the hostess at the restaurant asked if we would like the booth in the front of the dining area and I said that was fine. Then she looked at me and said "Oh maybe that's not a good idea with the baby." My first thought was that I hadn't brought any children with me and then I realized that she thought I was pregnant! I was so hurt and angry all at the same time! I looked at her and said as chilly as possible "I'm not pregnant, thanks." What I really wanted to ask her is if she offended all patrons the same way. I know I am overweight. I know I look disgusting to some people, hell I disgust myself at times, but damn can some people learn some manners? She didn't even have the good grace to apologize. I wanted to cry and I felt hurt for a little while, but I have just decided that she is a person that obviously doesn't have the correct people skills to even do the job that she is doing. 


I am frustrated that my hard work takes so long for anyone to notice. Because I am so overweight, my small victories are nonexistent to everyone else. I can lose 10lbs and no one would notice. A few people may notice if lose 20lbs and maybe a few more if I lose 30lbs. Until I can really show a difference then the only person celebrating the victories is me. I am the person that counts, but more support is always better! I am going to stop whining now and get something accomplished around the house!

The Hunger Begins with the Downfall of the American Appetite

Part of dieting is adjusting to a new lifestyle and trying to change bad habits. I have made poor decisions in my diet and am now trying to make changes. I have eaten so much food in my past that I have stretched my stomach. Now I am trying to teach my body what it should be eating and what amounts it should be eating and my body is not liking me very much. I still want to eat more and more. Not because I need to, but because I want to eat. I get bored, and I want to eat. I see food and I want to eat it. I smell food and I want to eat it. I drive-by the carnival collection of restaurants and I want to eat it- all of it! When I feel hungry, because my body thinks its hungry, and my mind knows it isn't, I try to drink water. For some reason I can't seem to get my mind and body on the same path to healthy eating. I know that small healthy meals with small healthy snacks are the way to go, but I just want to graze all day. And not just graze, but stuff myself full because it tastes good.

I have read that this hunger is part of the necessary change that I need to go through, but wow is it ever difficult. So to help me deal with the difficulty I have turned to the blog! I need to talk about it and get used to it until my body has adapted. I am also using a networking site to try to connect with other people going through the same challenges. I have a hard time actually interacting with others in my real life because I am overweight and I know that it has hindered my ability to be as outgoing as I could be. I need to have support and I would really like to have a gym buddy. Unfortunately I haven't found someone that has a membership to where I go and I really don't want to add another membership to a gym that’s farther away. So until I discover someone, I guess I'm solo at the gym! I really need my family to understand and that includes my fiancée. I want to look and feel better for myself and for him. He and my children deserve for me to be healthy and I can't continue to be overweight and stay healthy. I want for him and I to look great together. I don't want to think about people looking at us thinking "He's so good-looking! Why is he with a fat pig like her?" I know I shouldn't care what people think, but in turn they have a few things right. 

Being fat is awful. It restricts your life in so many ways. You get winded walking. You don't fit well in airplane seats. You can't ride certain roller coasters. There are so many more to list! Not to mention that overall, clothes are ugly. You can't find things that flatter or they are just hideous because you deserve ugly clothes when you are fat.

Americans have gotten a lot of things wrong. Part of the wrong is the nutritional and dietary education. Part is corporate problems. Large chains choke smaller markets where fresh and healthy food is sold. Don't get me wrong, you can buy decent food at these chains but many times it is surrounded by unhealthy alternatives that are cheaper to buy. Junk food is cheap. Junk is really what it is. Read the ingredients. Some things have so many ingredients I can't even pronounce, let alone know how they could impact my body. We have trained ourselves to go cheap, save money in this rough economy and eat things that negatively impact our health. Fast food chains are surviving and striving in this down-ridden economy. It is cheap, easy and fast. Most of it is not healthy. There are usually healthy options, but are somewhat obscure and overpowered by the Hollywood representation of larger than life burgers, burritos and fries. When we as adults eat this day in and day out and in turn feed our kids the same way, what are we teaching them? We are teaching them that this food is normal and all right to eat as a constant in our lives. Humans need constants in their lives. We are creatures of habit and many habits are not good for us. Habits are hard to break and even harder to completely banish. 

Enough rant for now, I am going to go enjoy the few hours before bed!

Beginning of the journey...

All my life I have wanted to be slim, lean, thin. Not just wanted, yearned and desired to be thin and slim and all the above! As I look back, I have never taken the time for habit-forming and making myself be dedicated to my own cause. It's time for a change. I turn 30 this year in May. I have 3 beautiful children and a loving man in my life. I want to be fit, slim and healthy for them and for myself. I hate being the fat mom at the gym. I hate being the fat mom at the school. I am embarrassed for myself and for my kids. The time to change is now, before its too late and my health is seriously affected. I weighed in today at 216lb. I started counting calories using an app on my Blackberry and have been going to the gym. No more soda and lots more water. I work as a supervisor in the fast food industry, so unhealthy options surround me and I have to use every ounce of willpower sometimes to avoid those and choose healthy. Here's to me, my willpower and the ability to change! Goal 1- get down below 200lbs!